Have you ever found yourself in a meeting where the tension between yourself and the other person has gotten to the point where productivity is being affected. The conversation is no longer about resolving the issue you were originally discussing. Now it’s all about who is right and who will win.
If you ignore the tension itself, the meeting will be unproductive and the relationship could be ruined. If you address the tension too directly, “What are getting so upset about?” the other person may get defensive and then attack you back.
A great way to handle this situation is to address the tension as if it were a third party in the room.
Say something like, “There seems to be a lot of tension in the room. Am I doing something to cause it?”
Then be quiet and wait as long as it takes for the other person to speak. This might take a while because the other person is thinking, “What is causing the tension? Do I feel comfortable talking truthfully about it? How should I word what I want to say?” Give the person time to work through this. Don’t interrupt their thought process. Don’t make your great question into a yes, no question such as, “Are you feeling too pressured?”
By naming the tension as a third party the other person won’t get defensive because you haven’t accused him of anything and one of two things will happen. He will tell you what you are doing that is causing the tension. That’s good. Now you can address it. Or he may say something like, “No it’s not you, it’s just that my boss has put so much pressure on me to get this project completed its affecting everything about the project. Sorry I raised my voice. Tell me again how you think we should handle this.”
The bottom line is you have to address the tension, deal with it and then get back to the real issue you are trying to address.
Remember – name the tension as a third party then offer to take responsibility for it by saying something like, “There seems to be a lot of tension in the room. Am I doing something to cause it?”
Then be quiet and wait for the response.
